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03月12日 84 次浏览

Ben Ivey—创造幸福感的艺术家

人生教练对我来说是个挺陌生的一个词。老实说,我都不太懂这人生教练到底是干嘛的,所以也一直不怎么在意。直到最近,有个近距离采访一位职业人生教练的机会,我赶紧抓住了这次机会。

本周的采访嘉宾是本·艾维(Ben Ivey)。通过与他交谈,我感觉他有着固执且不同于常理的看法,但他又能用有力的论点和逻辑来支撑。准备好了吗?一起来看看本有着怎样不同于常人逻辑的观点,来听听他是如何解释“抑郁其实是自己的选择”。

 

铛铛铛⋯⋯首先做个自我介绍吧

我叫本·艾维,来自英国,今年23岁。我的职业是生命教练。几个月前我来到上海,想运用自己在个人心理学方面的知识来帮助人们找到真正的幸福。

生命教练?解释一下这是个什么职业吧

生命教练主要是给客户提供职业以及个人生活等方面的咨询,给他们鼓励。我通过在中国举办培训班(在美国、英国也办),让客户发现和改正自己存在的问题。

Ben-Ivey-habits
Ben Ivey Youtube


是什么样的培训班呢?

目前有两种。其中一种是教大家如何发现幸福,深入挖掘为什么有的成功的人(有钱有地位的人)还是不幸福。包括找出人们苦恼的原因,帮助他们找到问题的根源并改正,而不只是去除某些表面的东西。

我发现很多问题都是个人在童年时期就形成了,所以很难改变。不过,改变只有一个前提条件,那就是本人有“想去改变”的意愿。有了这样的意愿,消除一切障碍解决问题其实挺简单的。

听起来真有意思。那么,是什么原因促使你从事生命教练这一职业呢?

我大学学的是商业管理和中文,上学的时候我还开了家关于中文字学习记忆的公司。就在一切发展得挺顺利的时候,生活突然就变了。我的父亲自杀了。父亲是我最好的朋友,事情发生的前一天我还见了他,所以那段时间特别艰难,就像一直以来生命中的英雄突然就消失不见了。

当时,根本不明白为什么会发生这样的事情。

所以我放下手中的一切,放下公司,开始研究为什么有的人看上去很开心其实根本不幸福,为什么别人眼里成功幸福的人还会自杀。

很遗憾听到这事,它对你的影响一定特别大。

bem Ivey Change your state
Ben Ivey Youtube


那你是怎么样去了解这些原因的呢?

我不停地研究,一年的时间读了很多的书,也开始进行自我改善,参加比如托尼·罗宾斯(Tony Robbins)的《释放内心的力量》(Unleash The Power Within)之类的课程。之前我把自己封闭了起来,不愿意跟人说我的感受。所以参加这样的课程目的就是要打开自己的内心。

然后我就开始创建一套体系,教人们如何将某些原则运用到实际生活中。重点就是不要去学网上什么“七步曲”,那些根本没用,相反还会让你更脆弱。我的方法就是在生命中创造切实的价值。


很多客户其实都比你大得多,而且社会地位也很高——对于向比自己小这么多的人学如此高深的生命技能,他们有没有表示过怀疑?

你说的这个就是“局限观点”(limiting belief,因为这样那样的原因,觉得自己不能做某事)。开始做之前,我也4有这样的局限观点,觉得自己太年轻,没法帮人解决关于生命的问题。但是现在回过头来看,那只是个思维模式。现在我觉得自己比行业内其他人都更专业,我进行过更广泛深入的研究,比某些专家还专业。

ben Ivey love
Ben Ivey Youtube


你会用什么方法来帮助人们实现改变呢?

有一个方法今天一定要跟你分享的。

比如,有个客户对我说:“哎,我今天好难过。”我会故意提高音调说句“这不是废话吗”这类的话。听了这句出乎意料的话,他们会立刻集中起注意力。

一般来说,假如听到一个抑郁的朋友的倾诉,我们通常会想尽办法安抚他们,特别注意不去伤害他们的感情。然后,这实际上会使得他们的“抑郁”行为倾向更为严重,他们会寻求别人的注意力,而陷入抑郁是最容易引起别人注意的方式。

所以,我觉得抑郁其实是个人自己的选择。

因此,我会避免客户陷入这种模式,使用干扰的办法让他们从消极状态中挣脱出来。

Ben Ivey. others Think
Ben Ivey Youtube


这方法能带来彻底的改变吗?一天的干预看起来并不算长呢。

关键是要进行有效的策略性干预。举个例子,分别有一棵苹果树、一棵梨树。

你是苹果树我是梨树,现在苹果树想变成梨树,那么从梨树上摘梨下来挂到苹果树上会怎样呢?梨会掉下来。不管摘多少梨挂上去都不管用。

只有把根换掉,种上梨树才能收获梨。所以我做的就是要从根本上改变人们的观念,转变他们的思维方式——这样彻底的改变才可以实现。

这样做的话,效果就是长期的。

最后一个问题,你一般早上做些什么?

我早上做的事情挺多的:

1.刚醒来喝一杯水,一晚上睡眠以后需要补充身体水分;
2.做呼吸训练——让身体吸入更多氧分;
3.在脑中想象三件让我感恩的事物——大事小事都行;
4.在脑中想象自己的目标,让它变得更坚定;
5.最后洗个澡——要洗冷水澡,让我从睡眠中彻底清醒过来。

现在要去开启全新的一天啦。

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Ben在采访中给出了很多有见地的观点,逻辑性强,很好地回答了某些问题。大家可以点击他的网站主页。了解更多信息。Ben Ivey,他是一个很棒的人, 一个对生活很有思考和想法的人。
 

 

 


Spotlight: Can a Life Coach Help You Find Happiness?

I've been aware of the concept of “life coaching” for some time, but until very recently I had no idea what actually meant. So when the opportunity to interview a real life-life coach came by, I jumped on it.

Ben Ivey, my spotlight guest for this week, presented me with firm, unrelenting, and even unorthodox opinions, but he supported them with reasoned arguments and logic. Be ready to have some of your views challenged, and to understand why, in his words, “depression is a choice.”
 


Drumroll... Intro.
I'm Ben Ivey, 23 years old, from the UK, and I am a life coach. I came to Shanghai a few months ago to pursue my passion of using my knowledge of personal psychology to help people find genuine happiness.

Life coach? Tell me more.
A life coach is a person who counsels and encourages clients on matters having to do with careers or personal challenges. I run seminars here in China (as well as throughout the UK and America) that endeavor to uncover and rectify individuals' issues.

Ben-Ivey-habits
Ben Ivey Youtube

What kind of seminars?
So I have two seminars. Let me explain one. Discovering the Art of Fulfillment. This seminar takes a deep dive into why successful people—with all their money and status—are still unhappy. It involves finding out what the cause of people’s anguish is, and helping them to change the root problems rather than the superficial on-the-surface issues.

A lot of what I'm dealing with stems from an individual's childhood, which can always be tough to change, but there's only one prerequisite for change, and that's the want to change. With this want, breaking down the barriers, and isolating the actual issue is quite simple.

That's interesting. What motivated you to get into life coaching?
I was studying business and Mandarin at university when I started running my own business relating to the memory and recognition of Chinese characters. As I was expanding that I had a moment where my life changed. My Dad committed suicide. He was my best friend and that was a really weird time for me, I saw him the day before it happened, and then it was like the hero of my life had disappeared.

I didn't understand and I couldn't understand why something like this had happened.

So I dropped everything, passed off my business and embarked on figuring out why people are unhappy even when they give every indication that they are happy—to figure out why, when someone has everything that indicates success and happiness, they would commit suicide.

Sorry to hear, that is devastating.

bem Ivey Change your state
Ben Ivey Youtube


How did you go about this mission of understanding?

I developed an insatiable desire to understand. I read dozens of books in the following year and started attending self improvement, personal development courses like Tony Robbins's Unleash The Power Within. I had closed myself off emotionally, and I didn't want to share my feelings with anyone. So the purpose behind going to these kind of courses was to open myself up and make myself vulnerable.

Then I started to develop a framework to help people understand how they can apply different principles to their own lives. The overarching theme is to step away from the plethora of 'seven step' quick fixes you find on the internet, that actually never work and just leave you feeling more vulnerable. My aim is to create tangible value in peoples lives.

Much of your client base is significantly older than you, with quite prominent status—are people skeptical to be learning such deep life skills from someone considerably younger?

This is what I call a limiting belief [a belief that we can't do something, for X or Y reason]. I had a limiting belief before I started doing this, believing I was too young to help people with their life issues. Now I believe it is just a mindset, and in comparison to the other options on the market I am much more qualified to give this kind of advice. My research is extensive and in depth, and I've educated myself to the point of any expert.

ben Ivey love
Ben Ivey Youtube


What kind of methods do you use to help people change?
One in particular that I'll share with you today.

If a client comes to me and says “Oh, I'm depressed,” I come back at them with a raised voice and an out-there sentence—“THAT'S UTTER BOLLOCKS,” for example. This makes them sit up and take notice, because it is not what they were expecting.

Most people, when talking to a depressed friend, will comfort them and be their ear, careful not to upset or make them feel worse, but counter-intuitively this only reinforces their 'depressed' behavior. The subject then begins to seek and crave other peoples attention, and being depressed is a great way for them to get that attention with very little effort.

I, for this reason, believe depression is a choice.

So this is what I try to avoid, and using pattern interruption is a very effective method to break them out of negative states.

Ben Ivey. others Think
Ben Ivey Youtube

Do these things stick? Are they long term changes? A one-day intervention doesn't seem like very long.

The whole point is strategic intervention. A metaphor I use is that of an apple tree and a pear tree.

You are an apple tree, I am a pear tree. Now say you want to become a pear tree. If I take a pear from my tree and put it on your tree, what going to happen? Its going to fall off. And this will continue to happen, no matter how many pears I put on your tree.

Its not until you change the roots of the tree that it will begin to grow pears. This is what I do, I change people's core beliefs, the roots of their thinking—and allow fundamental changes to occur.

Because of this, the results stick.


Last one, what is your morning routine?

I do quite a few things in my morning routine:

  1. Right when I wake up I drink a glass of water, to replenish my fluid levels after a long sleep;
  2. Breathing exercises—to increase the oxygen in my body;
  3. I visualize three things I'm grateful for—big or small things, all are ok.
  4. My life purpose, I visualize it and affirm it.
  5. Finally, a shower—making sure to make it cold at the end to really wake me up.

Now I'm ready to go about my day.
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Ben touched on some amazing points in our chat and was able to support his controversial answers with very coherent logic. If you want to find out more, check out his website. A really good guy with an even better outlook on life.

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